Lying Chest Press: You can't hide your lying eyes, and I guess you can't hide your lying chest, either. Hold a 30 lb barbell at about medium width (slightly wider than shoulders). Lie down on a bench, with the bar of the barbell at about sternum level; upper-arm should make about a 45 degree angle with the trunk. Lift barbell, being careful not to pop at the top. Repeat until your arms fall off (about 24 reps). Final reps should be slow and controlled.
Suitcase Crunch: Lie down on bench. Knees bent and heels on one end of bench. Arms at ears. Tuck your chin to activate abs. Squeeze abs and bring elbows to knees. Exhale on the squeeze. Don't tense up and try to hold elbows and knees together forever. Release; making sure to tap heels on the end of the bench. Repeat until you feel like a worn out accordion (about 24 reps). Final reps should be slow and controlled.
Jump Squat: Start standing straight. Move hips back into a squat while bringing hands forward to counter-balance. Straighten with a little jump. Little. Make sure to keep feet and knees under hips so you don't torque the outside or inside of your legs. Repeat until you think your quads are going to pop your kneecaps off (about 24 reps).
20 second rest.
Standing Bent-Over Row: Pick up a 30 lb barbell and hold it in an overhand hold at about shoulder width. Straddle the bench so that you can squeeze it with the upper part of your shins. . . and then you do a row, just touching the bench with the center part of the barbell in such a way that you don't throw out your lower back, which probably involves hinging your hips and not bending your knees as much as you probably are. [Edited: maintain eye contact with your reflection in the mirror to help keep your back straight.] This should feel like a row, except with more leg work.
Wide-leg Suitcase Crunch: Lie down on bench. [Edited: Tuck chin.] Knees bent and heels on one end of bench. Knees spread apart in a way that you hope doesn't make you look too much like a dance extra in a Madonna show. Arms straight up and palms together. Squeeze abs and bring hands/arms between legs so that outside elbows are touching inside knees. Release; making sure to tap heels on the end of the bench. Repeat until you feel like a worn out 80's Pop Star (about 24 reps). Final reps should be slow and controlled.
20 second rest.
Seated Overhead Press: Pretty straight-forward. Hold a 30 lb barbell in a medium, overhand hold. Sit on the bench. Raise the barbell over your head; lower it in a controlled fashion until the bar is about even with your nose. Repeat until your biceps screaming for you to stop is louder than the verses of "I'm too sexy for my shirt" playing in your head. Final reps should be slow and controlled (about 20).
Seated Knee Tuck: Sit on the bench with your legs on the same side of and perpendicular to the long axis of the bench. Grasp the bench with both hands on either side of your hips. Lean back a little. Bring both knees up to your chest. Exhale. Lower your lets until your feet touch the floor. Repeat until you feel the Fire in your Belly (about 24).
Long Jump: It's long jumps. Like in track. Only without a sand pit. Crouch, hinging at the hips and bending at the knees. Swing arms for forward motion. Jump. Pause after you land to make sure you've set properly. Repeat until your legs feel funny (about 24).
20 second rest.
Bicycle Crunch: Lie down on the bench. Heels at the end of the bench, knees bent. Hands at ears, elbows forward. [Edited: Tuck chin to engage abs.] The idea is to bring alternate knees forward, while simultaneously bending at the sternum so your cross-elbow touches whichever raised knee. While breathing. And not wiggling off of the bench. Or getting confused by the count because only right-elbow-to-left knee counts. Repeat until your breath runs out. (About 40. Really).
Jump Lunge: Step forward with one foot as if you were lunging with a fencing sword. Only instead of swinging an imaginary sword, you want to rest your fists over your pectorals. Your leading foot should be under your leading knee. Your weight should be on your forward foot. Your feet should be parallel. The heel of your back foot should be off the ground. Jump into the air and switch the position of your feet. Pause to make sure you've landed properly. Repeat until you're short of breath (about 24)
20 second rest
Seated Curl: Just what it sounds like. Sit on the bench. Keep your elbows under your shoulders. Hold a 30 lb barbell in an underhand hold. Curl your biceps, bringing the barbell up to shoulder level. Exhale. Slowly lower the barbell. Repeat until you wonder if that squeezing sensation in your arm is a joint problem (about 24).
Double Leg Raise: Lie down on the bench. With your legs straight, lift your feet. Place your hands under your glutes to provide stability (note to self: don't put your thumbs under your lumbar vertebrae because you always underestimate how much it hurts your thumbs). Slowly lower your still straight legs until they're about 20 degrees from horizontal (your knees should be level with your eyes). Raise legs. Repeat (about 20).
Rocket Jump: Crouch on the floor, sort of like a frog. Lift your hands from the floor to the ceiling above. Let gravity pull you back down to the crouch. Pause and set. Repeat until gravity wins or you start to feel dizzy (about 10) ("...I'm not the man they think I am at home; oh, no no...").
20 second rest
Box Squat: Eventually, this will involve resting a 30 lb barbell across one's back (not the neck). But at the moment I'm concentrating on doing the form correctly, since I want to do all of these squats the wrong way by isometrically moving only my knees instead of hinging backward from the hips. Stand facing away from the end of the bench. Pretend you're going to sit down, moving backward from the hips, until you just barely touch the bench. [Edited: maintain eye contact with your reflection to keep your back straight.] Straighten back into a stand. Repeat (about 24).
Assisted Sit-up: We haven't covered this yet because during the initial training, we accidentally skipped over it, and didn't realize it until after I was sitting on the bench resting my head between my knees. It sounds like a sit-up, but I haven't figured out the assisted part, yet.
Split Jack: This is like a jumping jack, at least in the feet and legs part. But instead of clapping one's hands over one's head, one touches the floor with one hand and one's knee with the other; then you alternate. Keep eye contact with yourself in the mirror so you keep your posture straight. No Fosse Hands! (about 24)
20 second rest
Straight Leg Deadlift: It's easy for me to this one wrong. Stand facing away from the end of the bench. Don't lock your legs. Hold the 30 lb barbell in a shoulder-width, overhand hold at waiste level. Hinge from the hip and move it backward. Keep your arms striaght. This will move the barbell down. [Edited: maintain eye contact with your reflection to keep your back straight. Straighten the legs, but don't lock them. Feel the stretch in the hamstrings for just a second, then, straighten back to a standing position. ] Um... 10?
Russian Twist: I'm pretty sure this isn't a drink. It might be something involving soccer balls with handles on them. [Edited: Close, but with no soccer balls. Lay down on the bench. Spread your knees to stablize your pelvis and lower back. Tuck your chin. Bring your palms together (or alternately, press your fists together) just in front of your sternum. Rotate your trunk so that your palms alternately touch the inside of your knees (it's like a metronome). The motion should be like a cable-twist, only without the cable. Exhale with each touch.
By this time in the training I'd been doing more than 24 reps of all of the above exercises, and I think I might have been swaying and turning interesting colors. In any case, I was out of breath, shaking, and wondering vaguely if I was going to throw up -- so my trainer had me cool down with my head between my legs. For about ten minutes. Every so often I'd try sitting up and decide that that probably wasn't a good thing... but eventually I managed to get back to my feet.
Skater: No idea what this one is; probably not an Alternative Rock Band. [Edit: It's pretty much the same motion as RollerBlading, only without RollerBlades. Put your fists over your pectorals. Push with your left leg to the right; slow yourself to a pause with your right leg. Repeat. ]
20 second rest
Weighted Suitcase Crunch: "That's a pretty nice suitcase you've got there. Shame if something should happen to it." Maybe this is like the Suitcase Crunch from earlier in the routine, but somehow I'm hanging onto a 30 lb barbell? [Edited: Lay down on the bench, with a 30 lb barbell in a middle over-hand hold. Hold one: straight up, elbows tucked near your hips, bent 90 degrees. Hold two: elbows bent about 90 degrees, but the barbell starts over your head. The idea is to keep your arms in a static position. Tuck your chin to engage abs. Bring the barbell to your knees, hold a half-second, and exhale. Release, but keep your chin tucked and abs engaged. Repeat. ]
Crunch: Wait. Crunch. Not a breakfast cereal. This is a sit-up... yes? [Edit: No. Lay down on the bench. Heels at the end of the bench. Tuck chin to engage abs. Straiten your arms, point your index finger so it's pointing at your feet. Crunch your abs so that your hand moves forward about a palm-width and your index fingers are touching your calves. Exhale. Release so that your "trigger thumb" is resting against your outer thigh. Repeat.]
Burpee: I figure this is the full on donkey-kick-plus-rocket-jump routine some gym teacher in the distant past had us do. [Edit: Well, not exactly. Start in a standing position. Drop to a frog position. Pause. Extend your back legs so you go into a controlled plank; don't let your butt sink or your back do a slinky imitation. Pause. Go back to the frog position. Pause. Stand. It's all about control, not speed.] Repeat until your legs say, "I'm through with the donkey-kick thing" and you lay on the ground like a spawning salmon just before the vultures come. (Um 4, maybe 7)
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